The Legend of Zelda: Donk-Konrina of Time
Our story begins this time in Kokiri Forest, where Link does not yet have a fairy. The Great Deku Tree is speaking with Navi…
Great Deku Tree: “I entreat ye…Navi…find the one without a fairy, and bring him to me…”
Navi: “Yes, I shall…”
GDT: “Go forth Navi…”
Navi: (flies away from the Deku Tree and into Kokiri Forest and sees that there is a buy one get one free sale at the local pub, and flies in to buy some booze)
“YESSSS! Now THAT’S what I’m talking about! I’ll just stop by and have a few drinks before I begineth my misson…”
10 hours later…..
Navi: “*hic* hEy BaRtEnDeR, *hic* hAnd mE AnOtHeR VoDkA, wiLL yA? *hic*”
Bartender: “I think you’ve had enough, Navi…..Hey! didn’t the Great Deku Tree send you on some kind of mission?”
Navi: “*hic* oOpS, I *hic* forgot *hic*.” (flies out of bar in a zig-zag and runs into the wall)
“GeT oUtTa mY wAy, YoU sUnNuVa CuKoO *hic*”
(She continues to fly in zig-zags until she runs into a swinging Deku racket, which sends her flying off, far, far, away)
After several hours of waiting for Navi to return, the Great Deku Tree dies from the curse Ganon placed on him and leaves the Kokiri Emerald on the ground for Link to pick up when he gets there. But unexpectedly, Ganon flies in and picks it up himself.
Ganon: “HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA…only two more Spiritual Stones…and I’ll be ruler of the world! MWAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!!”
Navi: (wakes up to find herself in front of a house which just happens to look exactly like Link’s.)
“Oh, mah frickin’ head, im so wasted…..”
(gets up and flies into the house.)
After flying in, Navi stumbles in on a sleeping monkey.
Navi: “Hey, he must be the one with no fairy….”
(flies over to the monkey and begins bouncing up and down, moving left to right as she does so.) “Hey! Wake up!”
Mysterious monkey: “Ooo-ooo” (He reaches his long arm up swats at Navi, sending her flying towards the wall.)
Mysterious monkey: (gets up to examine Navi.) “Ooo-ooo!” (picks Navi off of the wall and swings her back and forth until she mysteriously lights up.)
Navi: (flies away from the monkey’s hands.) “Let’s…go.”
Mysterious monkey: “Oooo-ooo…” (follows Navi as she leads him outside.)
Neighbor of Mysterious Monkey: “Ooooo-oooo-aaa-aaaaa-ooo-ooo-eee-aaa-aaa…” TRANSLATION: “Hi Donkey Kong! It’s me Ding-Dong! Where are you going?”
Navi: ((Thanks for the translation, writer!))
Writer: “NO TALKING TO THE GENIUS WHILE HE IS AT WORK!!!!”
Navi: ((Sorry)) “Lets go Donkey Bong!”
Donkey Kong: “Ooo-ooo-aaa-aaa!”
Donkey Kong: (walks up to Ding Dong and sniffs his butt)
Ding-Dong: (takes a dump)
Donkey Kong: (picks up dung and throws it in the air; dung falls on his head) “OOOO-OOOO!” TRANSLATION: “Mmm…yummy! Bye-bye Dingey-Dongey.”
Navi: (looks at Donkey Kong and Ding-Dong, severely disturbed) o_O;;
Ding-Dong: “OOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO-AAAAAAAA!” TRANSLATION: “Bye!” (farts and sniffs Donkey Kong’s butt) “I’ll miss you!” (eats his own feces in depression)
As Navi and Donkey Kong continue their journey, the Gorons have been waiting several weeks for Link to come and open Dodongo’s Cavern to destroy King Dodongo. After a long wait, they soon gave up and died of starvation. The leader of the Gorons, Darunia, left the Goron Ruby behind for Link to come and get when he arrived. But once again, Ganon beat them to it and added it to his collection.
Ganon: “It’s about time. Now, for that blasted Jabu-Jabu to rot and die from the stomach virus so I can have the Zora’s Sapphire as well. MWAHAHAHAHAHHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!”
Meanwhile, with Navi and Donkey Kong….
Navi: “Lets go to the Great Deku Tree!”
Donkey Kong: “Oooo-ooo-eee-eee!” TRANSLATION: “Me no like Deku Tree…he scary….”
Navi: “C’mon, be brave!”
Donkey Kong: “Ooooooooooooooooooo…….”
Meanwhile, at Zora’s fountain….
Ganon: “DIE YOU WORTHLESS FISH STICK!” (shoots one of those electric ball thingies at Jabu-Jabu)
Jabu-Jabu: “Rahjaiauiajhilshiahhsuajmmuoahuiwuwwapjkjklja;jp!” (swells up and explodes, dropping the Zora’s Sapphire to the bottom of the fountain)
Ganon: (swims to the bottom and obtains the Zora’s Sapphire)
Once again, back with Navi and Donkey Kong……
Navi: “You’re a monkey, not a chicken, so start acting like one!”
Donkey Kong: “Ooooo-ooooo-aaa-eeee-aaaa-eeee-ooooooooooooooooooo!” (grabs Navi and eats her)
Ganon: (arrives in Kokiri Forest and kills everyone, including Link) “MWAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHHAHAHA!”
Once Ganondorf had collected all three Spiritual Stones, he went to Hyrule Castle and tried to capture Princess Zelda.
After getting far ahead of him, she threw the Ocarina of Time back into the moat surrounding the town because she mistakenly imagined that Link was nearby.
Of course he wasn’t (since he died) and Ganon got the Ocarina, learned the Song of Time via Zelda’s “video message,” went into the Sacred Realm, obtained the Triforce, and became ruler of the universe.